Attention waitresses!!!

The number one profession of single mothers in this country is, has been, and will continue to be waiting tables in restaurants. They are not paid minimum wage as it is assumed and expected that the tipping for their performance by their clientele will supplement their wages sufficiently. I have eaten in restaurants all over the country, I eat in restaurants regularly, therefore I feel qualified to say.... Most waitresses (or waiters) suck! And if you're a waitress reading this, then I'm glad you're offended! I want you to prove me wrong. I enjoy tipping generously for good service, but I honestly can't remember the last time I had exceptional service in any restaurant.

This is a typical interaction with the waitress (or waiter) in a typical restaurant:

1) Welcome, blah blah blah, can I take your drink orders while you decide what you would like? They take the drink orders, and leave to retrieve them.

2) Here's your drinks, have you decided? They take your order.

3) They brings rolls, salads, appetizers, etc., and perhaps refill someone's tea, water, or other beverage. These first three interactions happen generally in about 10-15 minutes.

4) Brings food..... at this point, most people have been in the establishment for at least 20 minutes, perhaps 45 minutes, yet waitresses regularly bring the food, and do not even look at beverage glasses to see if a refill is needed. If they do and retrieve more water or whatever, they will immediately return, before the potatoes have even been buttered and ask how everything is! Don't you have to cut into a steak before you know if it taste good?

5) More and more often, the next time the waitress returns, she asks if you would like desert, and if not, then she has the check ready to hand to you, if you want a refill you have to tell her, and if your food wasn't cooked properly, then you either ate it or went hungry.

FIVE interactions, all of which were necessary in the exchange of information or purchased product. That's poor training from management, poor waiting by the waitress, and just dumb and illogical if you are working for tips!

I would actually argue for an additional 5 interactions in which the waitress simply checked to see if things were ok, and if she could refill any beverages. I might drop a $50-$100 tip if any waitress ever annoys me with checking to see if things are ok, just because!

Nothing detest or annoys me more as a restaurant patron than to be eating, needing a drink of water or tea and nothing but ice is in my glass! What annoys me even more is when I have eaten most of my ice, and the waitress comes with warm tea, and fills my glass up, and walks away as it melts my THREE remaining ice cubes! I mean, should I consider her blind, stupid, merely incompetent, or what?

Another thing I detest is when another waitress or especially a manager gives me an EXCUSE! I hate frickin' excuses! I have more respect for heroin addicts than I do people who have excuses! I don't care if she's new! Give her one table and make sure she can handle it before you give her an entire section you idiot! How piss poor is your training program? Nor do I want to hear that you are short handed tonight. Because if you are fearless leader, get you an apron and get back there and cook, or put on a smile and you wait some tables! But don't give me poor service and an excuse.

Here are 3 tips for waitresses that will dramatically improve the tips you get, especially from someone like me:

1) Do whatever is takes to keep my tea glass filled! If you have to kill innocent women and children KEEP MY FRICKIN' TEA GLASS FILLED! That will almost double your tip right there!

2) Check back regularly! Not only to see if I need more tea, but to see if the food was cooked well (believe it or not, we can't tell until we have a chance to eat some of it), if we need more rolls, napkins, etc. Annoy me by checking on me!

3) Take a lesson from Carnegie's, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Smile! Everyone likes a smile! We came out to eat to forget our problems and the bad day we had, we definitely don't give a shit about yours! Act like you are genuinely interested in whatever goofy story or dumb joke we have to tell you, you don't have to like it, just act like you do. It will make me like you, and it's hard to stiff someone you like on a tip.

And that's it! Sure there are other specific nuances of the profession I have not touched on, and some things are beyond your control, but all of the things I have mentioned are well within your control, but the three things I mentioned are rarely executed by waitresses these days, therefore don't whine when your tip reflects it!